Froot Loop Assassins

 Written some time during my freshman year of high school. Entirely silly.



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I shall now recount the events of today for posterity, because I believe the little demon-spawns known to me as the frootloop assassins are still out there, stalking me, even as I write this.

It seems like only this morning that all this happened. Probably because it was this morning. I was sitting at the kitchen table eating my usual bowl of Fruity Pebbles, and of course, reading the back of the box when I noticed something strange. There, close to the center of the bowl, clinging to a purple Pebble, was a cherry red Frootloop. I thought to my self “Boy, That’s not normal, is it?”.

As I peered through my Late-night-job induced morning haze, I noticed little black things floating adjacent to the Froot Loop. As I leaned closer to investigate, I thought “eew, that's really not normal”.

When my face was a mere seven or eight inches from the milk, close enough for my breath to make little waves for the Pebbles to surf on, the little demon-Loop launched out of the milk and landed on the table a good foot from the bowl.
“HOLY SHI...” I exclaimed aloud, stopping myself before I woke my mother. My dog, Princess, trotted over to see what all the commotion was. She eyed the Froot Loop suspiciously from a sitting position on the floor, head cocked to one side.
“This is MOST DEFINITELY not normal.” I thought aloud. Almost as if on cue, the evil-O pulled a large (for his size) dagger from nowhere and sprang at my head, emitting an ear-piercing little battle cry. Owing to my cat-like reflexes (and a little luck), I snatched up a nearby wooden spoon and sent the little bloodsucker sailing.

With a bizarre crunch, he shattered against the fridge. His Dagger was flung from his hand, embedding itself in Princesses’ nose. When I got to her, she was hiding under her bed. I coaxed her out with a treat, then pulled the dagger out while grasping her head.

When I told the story to my mother, she looked at me funny and said “enough crap Mike, what happened to Princess?”.
“But mom, its the tru...”

“Don’t give me that crap.” She replied.
I sighed and hoisted my backpack to my shoulder as I walked down my steps on the way out. Little did I know what awaited me outside.

When I reached the first street, I turned around to check for cars and saw, out of the corner of my eye, three little purple things. Looking closer, I saw that three purple FrootLoops with long daggers were waddling after me with evil looks on their, oh wait, they didn't have faces. I grabbed a curtain rod from a nearby trashcan and turned to face my assailants. They split to flank me. I sent one sailing into a passing El-Camino with a golf swing that whistled like a locomotive. The other two watched their companion catch air and looked at each other. One of them pulled another dagger and charged. I caught him with a size eleven Chuck Taylor to the head that shattered him on impact. The other one fled into the street and was smooshed by a passing trolley.

That, thankfully, was the last I saw of those minions of evil spawned by Satan himself. Hey, you little green monster, get off my pencil! Ack! They’re back! Take a computer keyboard to the face, evil demon from the darkest corner of the lowest level of Hell! Oh my god, they’re everywhere! Quick, Jack, hand me that yardstick. Die, Die, Die!